Sunday, May 29, 2016

First poem for ages: Another comic one

The day Granddad thought someone was gassing him


Well Granddad was alone one day,
The kids and mum were out to play.
Hed eaten lunch that Grannyd cooked
And settled down to read a book.
He said hed do the washing up,
(Just of the plate and knife and cup)
But Granddad, just like many a man
Thought “Ill do nothing while I can,
In time Ill follow Grannys wishes,
Theres lots of time to do the dishes.”

So Granddad found a comfy chair,
And wriggled his bum, and settled there.
He stretched and thought “Aah! This is bliss!”
But then he heard a funny hiss,
But still he read a page or two,
Thinking theres nothing I need do.

But there was something else as well,
He thought he smelt a funny smell.
“I’ve left the gas on. Damn and blast!
Must switch it off! Must do it fast!”
So Granddad jumped out of his chair
And turned the gas taps everywhere
But when to every tap hed gone,
There was nt one that hed left on.
He thought “That was a strange sensation,
It must be my imagination.”
Im going silly, going potty
Having those kids has driven me dotty!”

So Granddad settled down once more
And started reading as before.
The book was interesting ... but then
He thought he heard a hiss again
And then he heard it very plain,
It was the hissing sound again!
And then he sniffed and knew full well,
There really was a gassy smell.
He jumped up, quickly looked around
And couldn’t hear the hissing sound.
He walked around, looked through the door,
But the hissing sound was there no more.
So Granddad sat down in his chair
And, yes, the hissing sound was there.
And yes he heard it very plain
The hissing sound was there again!
And then he sniffed and really knew,
“Someone is gassing me, it’s true!”
So he jumped up, scared and offended,
And as he stood - the hissing ended.

Some silly ass is playing tricks,
He turns the gas on when I sits.
Come out, come out, where I can see
Just who is playing tricks on me.”
But all was quiet, quiet as a mouse,
Nothing to hear inside the house.
So Granddad looked behind the doors,
Opened the cupboard, pulled out drawers,
Under the stairs, behind the curtain.
Someone was hiding he was certain.

He looked, and nobody was there,
He shouted and pulled out his hair.
He listened hoping for a sound
But there was nobody around.

So Granddad felt extremely bad,
He thought “I must be going mad!
Theres no one here that I can see
And no one could be gassing me.
Ill go and make a cup of tea.”
And so he turned the kettle on
And when it boiled the smell had gone.

“It’s in my mind I really think.
Ill settle down and have my drink.”
And so he sat down in his chair.
And you can guess what happened there.
Oh yes, he heard that hissing sound
And gassy smells were all around.
“There’s someone underneath my chair!”
Granddad jumped up. Guess what was there.

No one was there, Im pleased to say,
Instead there was a can of spray
Now everything was clear as day.
(It was a spray for Granny’s hair
An aerosol that she’d left there.)
His bottom pressed down on the cap
And turned the spray on like a tap,
And that had made the hissing sound
And spread the smell of gas around.
His sitting had pressed down the top
And when he stood, the spray would stop.


Then Granddad felt extremely silly
And said “I am a Silly Billy!”
Then he picked up the can of spray
And moved it carefully away,
And sat down with his cup of tea
And said “At last some time for me!”

Later, in spite of Grannys wishes,
He still forgot to do the dishes.

Nick Mellersh Nov 2006

Hope you like this and hope I have n't put it up before.  

News is that Jeanie's pics are up in an exhibition in Lyndhurst community centre so if you are around Lyndhurst go and see them.  There's card and framed drawings as well as the ones on the walls.  Other people's are there as well.

Also plans for the Illustrated Fluteplaying ebook proceed apace.  See more about Jeanie's pics at her blog http://ipadpainting-jeanie.blogspot.co.uk/