The day Granddad thought someone was gassing him
Well Granddad
was alone one day,
The
kids and mum were out to play.
He’d
eaten lunch that Granny’d cooked
And
settled down to read a book.
He said
he’d do the washing up,
(Just
of the plate and knife and cup)
But Granddad,
just like many a man
Thought “I’ll
do nothing
while I can,
In time
I’ll follow Granny’s
wishes,
There’s
lots of time to do the dishes.”
So Granddad
found a comfy chair,
And
wriggled his bum, and settled there.
He
stretched and thought “Aah! This is bliss!”
But
then he heard a funny hiss,
But
still he read a page or two,
Thinking there’s
nothing I need do.
But
there was something else as well,
He
thought he smelt a funny smell.
“I’ve left the
gas on. Damn and blast!
Must
switch it off! Must do it fast!”
So Granddad
jumped out of his chair
And
turned the gas taps everywhere
But when to every
tap he’d gone,
There was n’t
one that he’d left on.
He
thought “That was a strange sensation,
It
must be my imagination.”
I’m
going silly, going potty
Having
those kids has driven me dotty!”
So Granddad
settled down once more
And
started reading as before.
The
book was interesting ... but then
He
thought he heard a hiss again
And
then he heard it very plain,
It was
the hissing sound again!
And
then he sniffed and knew full well,
There really
was a
gassy smell.
He
jumped up, quickly looked around
And couldn’t
hear the hissing sound.
He
walked around, looked through the door,
But
the hissing sound was there no more.
So Granddad
sat down in his chair
And, yes,
the hissing sound was there.
And yes
he heard it very plain
The
hissing sound was there again!
And then he sniffed
and really knew,
“Someone is gassing me, it’s
true!”
So
he jumped up, scared and offended,
And
as he stood - the hissing ended.
Some silly ass is playing tricks,
He
turns the gas on when I sits.
“Come
out, come out, where I can see
Just
who is playing tricks on me.”
But
all was quiet, quiet as a mouse,
Nothing
to hear inside the house.
So Granddad
looked behind the doors,
Opened
the cupboard, pulled out drawers,
Under
the stairs, behind the curtain.
Someone was hiding –
he was certain.
He
looked, and nobody was there,
He
shouted and pulled out his hair.
He
listened hoping for a sound
But
there was nobody around.
So Granddad
felt extremely bad,
He
thought “I must be going mad!
There’s
no one here that I can see
And
no one could be gassing me.
I’ll
go and make a cup of tea.”
And
so he turned the kettle on
And
when it boiled the smell had gone.
“It’s in my mind
I really think.
I’ll
settle down and have my drink.”
And
so he sat down in his chair.
And
you can guess what happened there.
Oh
yes, he heard that hissing sound
And
gassy smells were all around.
“There’s someone
underneath my chair!”
Granddad
jumped up. Guess what was there.
No one was there,
I’m pleased to say,
Instead
there was a can of spray
Now
everything was clear as day.
(It
was a spray for Granny’s hair
An
aerosol that she’d left there.)
His
bottom pressed down on the cap
And
turned the spray on like a tap,
And
that had made the hissing sound
And
spread the smell of gas around.
His
sitting had pressed down the top
And
when he stood, the spray would stop.
Then Granddad
felt extremely silly
And
said “I am a Silly Billy!”
Then
he picked up the can of spray
And
moved it carefully away,
And
sat down with his cup of tea
And
said “At last some time for me!”
Later, in spite of
Granny’s wishes,
He
still forgot to do the dishes.
Nick Mellersh Nov 2006
Hope you like this and hope I have n't put it up before.
News is that Jeanie's pics are up in an exhibition in Lyndhurst community centre so if you are around Lyndhurst go and see them. There's card and framed drawings as well as the ones on the walls. Other people's are there as well.
Also plans for the Illustrated Fluteplaying ebook proceed apace. See more about Jeanie's pics at her blog http://ipadpainting-jeanie.blogspot.co.uk/
